The day that changed our lives!!

(12 weeks 1 day) 12/30/11 was supposed to be a really exciting time for us. It was going to be Adam and Kennedy's first time seeing the babies. My mom came with too, to help with Kennedy. We went into my doctor's appt first. She informed us that there were two sacs so we did not need to worry about twin to twin transfusion (that meant no more googling about that for me). I was really worried about that, and it was the greatest thing to hear that our babies had there own sacs and would be just fine. The doctor told us she was not even going to try to pick up fetal heart tones cause she wanted one more ultrasound. She told us to go wait in the waiting room and the tech would come get us. I burst into the waiting room and could not wait to tell my mom that they had two sacs, they were going to be okay. We went into the ultrasound room, and saw our babies on the big screen. The only thing was is that it looked like to me that Baby B was not moving. I looked at Adam and said, well thats weird the last I saw them they were doing flips and circles, and going crazy. I am, however, not a doctor and who knows what I am seeing. It looked like Baby A was moving, not very much but a little. The tech was really quiet, and then grabbed the phone, and said I need a doctor in here immediately. I layed my head back and thought, something is wrong with Baby B, it should be moving. The doctor came in and the tech showed a flat line, not only on Baby B, but Baby A. Turns out Baby A was only moving because of where she was pushing on my stomach. The doctor told us that neither baby had a heartbeat, and that she would like to speak to us in her office, after the tech gets more pictures. My mom immediately grabbed Kennedy and walked out. I was a mess and Kennedy did not need to see that. Adam and I walked to the doctors office and sat there alone. I just kept sobbing, why??!! I saw them at 9 weeks and they were fine, no concerns. How did this happen? What did I do? I kept apologizing to Adam...I felt so guilty. How could I not know something was wrong with them? How could this be happening when I have no symptoms? No blood, No cramps, Nothing?? The doctor came in and explained this is, normal. Normal??? I saw heartbeats. She explained that we had to make some decisions today. We had a few choices, I could get a D&C, a procedure to remove the babies and all the other stuff. A D&C is where you get put under, they dialate  you a little, scrape your cervix, and you go home. It is an outpatient procedure. I could go home and let things happen naturally. I do not mean to offend anyone with what I thought that day, but I thought I cannot go home knowing my babies are dead inside me and wait. If you have chose that route, to each there own it just was not for me. I could take a pill and go home and miscarry at home with the help of the pill to induce labor. I chose the D&C. Once I chose the D&C I had to choose what we wanted done with the babies. I am not going to go into all the choices because I really don't want to offend anyone with what my thoughts were on some of my choices. We chose to have the babies frozen until October. The 2nd saturday in October St. A's has  burial. Our babies will be buried. Our babies will have 12/30/11 engraved twice on a head stone for them.  I then had to wait 4 hours to have my surgery because I ate breakfast that morning. I also had to walk back through the clinic to leave, and see all the smiling parents, all the people waiting to get into their appointments, all the people walking around with ultrasound pictures, and the worst thing was I had to tell Kennedy something. I got out of the clinic and into the parking lot and Kennedy said, "Mommy why are you crying why are you so sad." I told Kennedy that today the pictures showed that the babies were not okay and they are going to live with Jesus. She kept asking a lot of questions and I felt so awful but I just had to buckle her in my mom's car and walk away. We left the clinic and went to Brie's house (thank you Brie for everything). Once we got to Brie's I sent out a mass tex to everyone that I think I had told about the babies. One, I did not want to talk about it. Two, I did not want anyone I had told to run into me and ask me how things were going, not knowing that I had just miscarried. The dumbest thing ever about hospitals, is that I had to be on the maternity floor. I understand that this is easier on the hospital staff and the doctors, but emotionally it was not easy for me. While I am mourning the loss of my babies parents are gushing over there new ones. It was terrible. Before I went in I had the doctor check one more time for heartbeats. I copped out and chose no miscarriage at home, but then I started to feel like I was having an abortion. I wish my body would have started spotting or cramping so I would know, but it didnt. My doctor was wonderful she tried again, knowing there would be no heartbeats, but knowing it would ease my mind. I woke up from surgery and my babies were gone, in a matter of 15 minutes I was no longer pregnant.

Twins...what?!

(9 weeks 1 day)What I thought was the scariest thing in the world did not even compare to what was going to happen three weeks from now. While at my parents house, I went to the bathroom at was spotting a little bit. As soon as Adam came home, I told him he have to go the ER, told him what was going on, and off we went. At the ER they drew my blood and checked out some other things, and told me I was fine. The doctor told me that he could tell I was scared so he would schedule an ultrasound the next day. Good ol' Hazen no ultrasound tech was there after hours so he could not do it immediately. Since everything was fine the day before Adam went to class as scheduled, and my mom came with me to the ultrasound. The bleeding was long gone by then and I started to breathe easy. I knew once I saw the baby I would instantly be in love, and I was excited that my mom was with because she had never seen an ultrasound. When the ultrasound tech put the thing on my stomach I saw a very confused look on my mom's face, but didnt think much of it because she had never seen one before. About 30 seconds later the same but more extreme look came across my face. I will never forget that moment, I looked at the ultrasound tech and she looked at me, and I said "was that just two babies." In a panic she walked out of the room and said she had to get the doctor immediately. The next thing that came out of my mouth in front of my mom, that I apologized for later, is not appropriate to put on this blog :) I will just described it as great shock!!! Needless to say, the tech came back in and said, "yes you are having twins." There heartbeats were 171 and 174. She could not tell if they were identical or faternal, but there were two. I was so in shock when I left that I never asked for any pictures (something I will regret forever). I immediately called Adam and continued to call him until he thought that someone was really in trouble, stepped out of class and called me back. He was in complete shock when I told him. Once, I hit 10 weeks (the safe mark...NOT) we told a ton of people that we were having twins. We were not quite sure how we were going to do it, but we were. The idea of twins was scary at first (and still kind of is) but it was SO EXCITING!!! We celebrated Christmas with both families and our conversations already revolved around them and how we were going to make it work. I told everyone I would call them after my 12 week ultrasound and give lots of updates!!

Pregnant....YAY!!

This post may have to much information for some of you but without all the details given, I would be leaving it to you to fill in the blanks, and I don't want that. After we got married the plan of expanding our family was the first thing on my mind, Adam on the other hand wanted to as well, but was not sure if he wanted it immediately. We began talking a lot about it after the wedding, and decided why not try. The birth control went out the window the end of September and the beginning of November I called Adam at work and said, "are you ready to be a daddy again." With all my friends getting pregnant Adam was not sure if the picture of the positive test was true or not, so when he got home from work, I took another one and showed him. I was so excited, when I took the first test, I was jumping up and down, and then I figured I better not do that anymore I have a baby in there that is now jumping with me. We told a few close friend right away. When deer season came around, I was not feeling too hot. We told Adam's parents, and Tim if you are reading this thank you for putting up with my pregnant self in the truck for all those hours looking for the dumb deer. We told my parents shortly after that. We put a shirt on Kennedy that said on the front "Guess Hooo has a secret," with an owl on it. On the back it said "Kennedy, I am going to be a big sister." My mom was the first to see it, she grabbed Kennedy, and said "get back here let me read that." My parents were so excited. We told them that this complicated the move a little more, I felt bad living with them while I was pregnant because not only did Adam have to deal with my pregnant self but so did my parents.

Where do we live??? Hope this answers your question :)

Adam and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and almost married 6 months. We have had our struggles and right now, we are working on purchasing some land, digging a basement, and putting a modular on the basement. Not sure if all of you know this but housing is outrageous in Minot and we love Minot, just hate throwing so much money into the wind to live there. We joke right now that we are "gypsies." Our stuff is currently in storage at my Grandpa and Grandma Millers. We stay at my parents, Adam's parents, Ali and Jared, or Nick and Stacey's. It is getting old living out of a suitcase but once we have our finished product, I will be so happy that we did it.

The beginning of the blogging

Where to start?? First off, this will be a very informal place to keep everyone up to date with what is going on in our lives. I got the idea of blogging from a girl I know from Hazen. Her and I were never close but we knew who each other was. Her and I did not have the same friends, but now we are going through similar situations and we are talking. Natasha Hoff, if you are reading this I cannot thank you enough for your support through our tragedy while at the same time you are going through one too. I will bring everyone up to speed with the bad stuff after I go over the good stuff.