2 Months

Today was a weird day for me. I realized that this month does not have 30 days. To me I was sad about it, because I didn't get the 30th to be upset. After I thought about it I have been really sad today. I look at everyone's posts on facebook that have babies, are pregnant, and have maternity pictures posted, and I am truly happy for them but it makes me more sad for myself. Thinking about the twins (as we refer to them) makes me sad. We did not name the twins because I cannot pick neutral names that I like. We had a list of names for the twins but none of them were neutral. I struggle with that, I so wish I could name them. I read a book "Heaven is for Real" (I highly recommend that), and it assured me that it is okay to not name the twins, that they will wait for me to give them a name. However, there is a little guilt there, that they will be in Heaven without names and I struggle with that. So we have decided on two sets of names. If they were boys their names would of been Eli and Jerek, if they were girls there names would of been Lanaya and Adalynn. We have not shared that with many people, but I think if I share their names will be more real to me.  However, I have a little guilt after we decided that because I keep thinking what if it was one of each. I don't know what we would of decided. I know I can "what if" myself forever but I really struggle with this. I feel like it was my fault that I lost them (and I know it was not) and now I can't even name them and move on. The other thing I have a lot of guilt about it saying, "I am good." Sounds stupid I know. Someone the other day asked me how I was doing and for the first time in two months I said "good." After I said that I was caught off guard. I have not said that in two months. I have said "alright" when someone asks me how I am. I felt like I was letting the twins down by saying I was good. I felt like it meant I was moving on and forgetting about them. I know the twins want me to be happy but I just have a little guilt when I am, because I want them to know that they were wanted and I would've given anything to have them here with me. I pray every night for them, and I frequently talk to them (little crazy). In the last month Adam and I have had the conversation on when we are going to try again, and the conclusion we came too is we don't know. I do not want anyone to ever think I am trying to replace the twins if I get pregnant again but I am so ready to be pregnant. This week is also sad for me because we would of found out around this time if the twins were boys or girls. All in all, things have been getting better, but I miss my babies like crazy and I wish I could of met them, held them, named them, and had them here with me. I know God had a much greater plan for them, and he needed them in Heaven, so I most days I am okay with that, today was just a tough day.