The day that changed our lives!!

(12 weeks 1 day) 12/30/11 was supposed to be a really exciting time for us. It was going to be Adam and Kennedy's first time seeing the babies. My mom came with too, to help with Kennedy. We went into my doctor's appt first. She informed us that there were two sacs so we did not need to worry about twin to twin transfusion (that meant no more googling about that for me). I was really worried about that, and it was the greatest thing to hear that our babies had there own sacs and would be just fine. The doctor told us she was not even going to try to pick up fetal heart tones cause she wanted one more ultrasound. She told us to go wait in the waiting room and the tech would come get us. I burst into the waiting room and could not wait to tell my mom that they had two sacs, they were going to be okay. We went into the ultrasound room, and saw our babies on the big screen. The only thing was is that it looked like to me that Baby B was not moving. I looked at Adam and said, well thats weird the last I saw them they were doing flips and circles, and going crazy. I am, however, not a doctor and who knows what I am seeing. It looked like Baby A was moving, not very much but a little. The tech was really quiet, and then grabbed the phone, and said I need a doctor in here immediately. I layed my head back and thought, something is wrong with Baby B, it should be moving. The doctor came in and the tech showed a flat line, not only on Baby B, but Baby A. Turns out Baby A was only moving because of where she was pushing on my stomach. The doctor told us that neither baby had a heartbeat, and that she would like to speak to us in her office, after the tech gets more pictures. My mom immediately grabbed Kennedy and walked out. I was a mess and Kennedy did not need to see that. Adam and I walked to the doctors office and sat there alone. I just kept sobbing, why??!! I saw them at 9 weeks and they were fine, no concerns. How did this happen? What did I do? I kept apologizing to Adam...I felt so guilty. How could I not know something was wrong with them? How could this be happening when I have no symptoms? No blood, No cramps, Nothing?? The doctor came in and explained this is, normal. Normal??? I saw heartbeats. She explained that we had to make some decisions today. We had a few choices, I could get a D&C, a procedure to remove the babies and all the other stuff. A D&C is where you get put under, they dialate  you a little, scrape your cervix, and you go home. It is an outpatient procedure. I could go home and let things happen naturally. I do not mean to offend anyone with what I thought that day, but I thought I cannot go home knowing my babies are dead inside me and wait. If you have chose that route, to each there own it just was not for me. I could take a pill and go home and miscarry at home with the help of the pill to induce labor. I chose the D&C. Once I chose the D&C I had to choose what we wanted done with the babies. I am not going to go into all the choices because I really don't want to offend anyone with what my thoughts were on some of my choices. We chose to have the babies frozen until October. The 2nd saturday in October St. A's has  burial. Our babies will be buried. Our babies will have 12/30/11 engraved twice on a head stone for them.  I then had to wait 4 hours to have my surgery because I ate breakfast that morning. I also had to walk back through the clinic to leave, and see all the smiling parents, all the people waiting to get into their appointments, all the people walking around with ultrasound pictures, and the worst thing was I had to tell Kennedy something. I got out of the clinic and into the parking lot and Kennedy said, "Mommy why are you crying why are you so sad." I told Kennedy that today the pictures showed that the babies were not okay and they are going to live with Jesus. She kept asking a lot of questions and I felt so awful but I just had to buckle her in my mom's car and walk away. We left the clinic and went to Brie's house (thank you Brie for everything). Once we got to Brie's I sent out a mass tex to everyone that I think I had told about the babies. One, I did not want to talk about it. Two, I did not want anyone I had told to run into me and ask me how things were going, not knowing that I had just miscarried. The dumbest thing ever about hospitals, is that I had to be on the maternity floor. I understand that this is easier on the hospital staff and the doctors, but emotionally it was not easy for me. While I am mourning the loss of my babies parents are gushing over there new ones. It was terrible. Before I went in I had the doctor check one more time for heartbeats. I copped out and chose no miscarriage at home, but then I started to feel like I was having an abortion. I wish my body would have started spotting or cramping so I would know, but it didnt. My doctor was wonderful she tried again, knowing there would be no heartbeats, but knowing it would ease my mind. I woke up from surgery and my babies were gone, in a matter of 15 minutes I was no longer pregnant.