Changes

The month of March has been a trying month. As much as we love our friends and family that our helping us right now, we are so ready to have our own space. We are closing on our land on Wednesday (whooo hooo, took forever), hopefully getting our building loan later this week, and then ordering our modular. Hopefully in May (I would prefer the beginning but it will probably be the end) we are moving into our new house. That is all I have to update right now, not much, but figured I would update since I have not been on here in so long.

2 Months

Today was a weird day for me. I realized that this month does not have 30 days. To me I was sad about it, because I didn't get the 30th to be upset. After I thought about it I have been really sad today. I look at everyone's posts on facebook that have babies, are pregnant, and have maternity pictures posted, and I am truly happy for them but it makes me more sad for myself. Thinking about the twins (as we refer to them) makes me sad. We did not name the twins because I cannot pick neutral names that I like. We had a list of names for the twins but none of them were neutral. I struggle with that, I so wish I could name them. I read a book "Heaven is for Real" (I highly recommend that), and it assured me that it is okay to not name the twins, that they will wait for me to give them a name. However, there is a little guilt there, that they will be in Heaven without names and I struggle with that. So we have decided on two sets of names. If they were boys their names would of been Eli and Jerek, if they were girls there names would of been Lanaya and Adalynn. We have not shared that with many people, but I think if I share their names will be more real to me.  However, I have a little guilt after we decided that because I keep thinking what if it was one of each. I don't know what we would of decided. I know I can "what if" myself forever but I really struggle with this. I feel like it was my fault that I lost them (and I know it was not) and now I can't even name them and move on. The other thing I have a lot of guilt about it saying, "I am good." Sounds stupid I know. Someone the other day asked me how I was doing and for the first time in two months I said "good." After I said that I was caught off guard. I have not said that in two months. I have said "alright" when someone asks me how I am. I felt like I was letting the twins down by saying I was good. I felt like it meant I was moving on and forgetting about them. I know the twins want me to be happy but I just have a little guilt when I am, because I want them to know that they were wanted and I would've given anything to have them here with me. I pray every night for them, and I frequently talk to them (little crazy). In the last month Adam and I have had the conversation on when we are going to try again, and the conclusion we came too is we don't know. I do not want anyone to ever think I am trying to replace the twins if I get pregnant again but I am so ready to be pregnant. This week is also sad for me because we would of found out around this time if the twins were boys or girls. All in all, things have been getting better, but I miss my babies like crazy and I wish I could of met them, held them, named them, and had them here with me. I know God had a much greater plan for them, and he needed them in Heaven, so I most days I am okay with that, today was just a tough day.

Homeless

Before I start my rant about our housing situation I have to start with many thank you's. If it were not for Nick/Stacey, Jared/Ali, Amy/TJ, my parents, and Adam's parents we would be homeless right now. In December we let our apartment go thinking we were going to move to Bismarck so while Adam took a welding class in Hazen we lived with my parents. A lot changed the end of December and in early Jan so we decided to come back to Minot. Anyone familiar with Minot knows that housing is tight and not easy to come by. We are currently working on purchasing a lot, Adam will build our basement, and we will move a modular on. Minot guarantee is taking so long that is taking much longer than anticipated. We are and will be for probably another two months. So we are living out of suitcases and bouncing around. It is taking a toll on our sanity. Adam and I have to stay focused on the end project or we will fall apart. We will be happy with it once it is all said and done but it so hard not having space of our own. We are constant guests, it is getting old. On the other hand I am very grateful for our friends, that we have options, that we are healthy, and many more things. Ever since losing the babies, every time I feel like being negative, I realize it is so not worth it. There are other people in this world that have a lot less than I do and I should be thankful for what I have and not focusing on what I do not have. Have a great weekend everyone and hopefully I will be telling you soon about closing on a lot, and construction :)

Birthday Season

It has been a long time since I have blogged, and I need too.

January and February are crazy months for us with birthdays. My grandmas is Jan 28, my dads Jan 30, Kennedys Jan 31, my brothers Feb 2, Kamalei's Feb 6, Ryker and Declans Feb 8, and Kyleigh's Feb 9. All we do from Christmas till mid Feb is buy gifts and attend parties :) We love it though

First off Kennedy made out like a bandit for her birthday. She had a party in Kenmare with Adam's family, a party at Planet Pizza with our friends, and we went to Hazen for the weekend, and she got spoiled by my family. I cannot believe she is 4. She is so funny and growing up way too fast.

Two weeks later we went to Chicago to see my brother and his family. We drove there so a lot of our trip was spent on the road, but it is worth it to see them. Kamalei and Kai had a joint birthday party which was so much fun. We hung out a lot, did some shopping, ate a lot of food, and took in as much time with them as we could because we do not get to see them enough.

While we were in Chicago we missed Ryker, Declan, and Kyleigh's birthday parties. So that was a bummer but we can't be in two places at once. 

One Month

Today was a different kind of day for me. My day started off okay. Okay is my new word. If you ask how I am or how my day was expect "okay" to be my response. I am okay. I am just okay. I was at work and I dated something 1/30/12 and realized it had been a month since the twins went to heaven. I am, again, okay with this. I just sawn that, sat back, and thought and reflected on the month. Tomorrow is Kennedy's 4th birthday and I have barely thought about it. I used to get so sad around her birthdays because she was growing up so fast and now I look at her birthdays a totally different way. Her birthdays are a great milestone of another year we get together. Another year of joy in my life and being one proud mama. My day was going okay and I thought about the twins all day and I only had one minor meltdown/moment when having a conversation with Kennedy. I shared with Kennedy that there will be someone very close to us having a baby (cannot say yet because they have not told many people). At first Kennedy said, YAY! Then she said "momma I wish the babies didn't have to go to heaven, I want to be a big sister." At that moment, thank goodness I was driving and she was in the back seat and could not see me, I lost it. I then composed myself and told her someday she would be a big sister, but until then we will be happy that the other girl will be a big sister. I told her she could pick out a toy or an outfit for the other baby. She then shouted, "miss you angel babies" and carried on her way. I have learned a lot from Kennedy through this whole process. She does not question what happened. She fully excepts it, and is okay with it. She tells everyone that her babies are in heaven. You can learn so much from little kids. While I am struggling with why, she does not doubt. Other than that my day has been okay. Thank you again for all the love and support. Also, my next post will be about Kennedy's three (yes three) different birthday parties, and hopefully an update for everyone about our housing situation.

Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!!

The amazing support within less than 24 hours of posting my blog, is AMAZING. Thank you for commenting, sending kind words, and sharing your story. My boss gave me the best food for thought on a re-occuring dream I was having. I had the dream about 12 nights in a row till I shared it with my boss, and she gave me her input. I am one of the lucky people to work in the guardianship division at Catholic Charities and having Donna B. as my boss. Anway, enough about my boss, she really is wonderful though. I kept having a dream that Kennedy and 2 children (they are younger than Kennedy, they look like angels, and I CANNOT tell if they are boys or girls). The three kids are playing on the beach and suddenly a huge wave comes sucks them into the ocean. I instantly run and try to save the kids, and the only kid I can save is Kennedy. I try and try to get the other two and just cannot. I kept having this dream and it kept waking me up and making it very hard to sleep. I was not really sleeping at all (even my grandma commented that I had huge black bags under my eyes all the time). I then shared the dream with my boss and she said, " I have another thought about your dream. I wonder if your dream is about saving your babies but also a reminder of how truly powerless we truly are. We really have no control in this world, especially something as powerful as the ocean. Life is wonderful and precious but so hard at times." I had to copy and paste that exact from the email cause I would have never been able to summarize it any better. I have a faith and I know my babies are happy, healthy, and waiting for me. However, I am selfish and want them here. This is the end of blogging for a couple days our gypsie selfs are hitting the road today for another adventure around the state of ND. Again, thank you for all the support. At first I felt very alone, and found comfort in sharing with Natasha. I knew she wouldn't judge any of my emotions or thoughts. She then shared her blog, and I could not help but do the same. She found a whole world of women who have experienced loss, and the more I share with people and find out that I am not the only one. The easier it gets knowing I am not the only one. I am not the only one to be terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again, but will do it (down the road) because it is even more terrifying to think of not ever having more children. I am not the only one who knows that heaven is where we all want to go, and that our children will know no pain, yet I wanted them here. It makes me feel less crazy....THANK YOU

Now what??

The miscarriage has left me feeling physically very empty and emotionally unsure. Physically, I am fine. Everything has healed up how it is supposed to. But I am supposed to have 15 week old twins growing inside me. Emotionally, I have my days. I read a book "Heaven is for real," I highly recommend it. It helped. Each day gets a little easier, but I often left wondering why. I am constantly doing research on twin miscarriage rates, and the odds of naturally conceiving twins twice. I have came to this conclusion, from here on out I will never be at ease while being pregnant. Nothing is guaranteed, whether I am 4 weeks/10weeks/12 weeks/20 weeks/35 weeks/40 weeks. I will embrace every moment of every other pregnancy. I am not sure when I will get up the nerve to try again. I will not share my pregnancy with many people until I am in the 2nd trimester. The support and love from my family and friends is wonderful and I could not ask for a better support system, I am just nervous. Please do not take offense if you do not find out the next time that I am pregnant till 14 or 15 weeks, it is just me being overly cautious. I am also struggling with facebook. Clearly if you know me I am addicted to facebook, but I struggle with posts from pregnant women who complain. I would give anything to be swelling and have heartburn. Everytime I see a post of someone who is embracing there pregnancy, happy, and excited, I want to comment and say how happy I am they have a healthy baby. I would truly never wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy, so of course I am happy for my friends who have healthy babies. But everytime I see someone complain about heartburn or being tired from being pregnant, it takes all I have to not say something. I have to remember that before I had a miscarriage I complained when I was pregnant with Kennedy. I vow to never complain about being pregnant again. I wish I could comment on there status and say "be grateful." However, I do not want to offend them, or make them feel bad. So if you are reading this and you are pregnant please be grateful you are :) I found that people I never knew had miscarriages have shared their story with me and I think each and everyone of you who have shared. So where is our life as a family going right now....Kennedy tells everyone she has two angel babies with Jesus and she has accepted that, no questions asked anymore. Adam would kill me if I started talking about him, but for the most part he is good. I am okay, I am just ready to have our own place and focus on our little family. There are big changes (no, not another pregnancy) that are coming up for our family this spring (hopefully a house) and I will keep everyone posted. I will not be a daily blogger but I will be a big event probably once a month update blogger. Thanks for reading :)

The day that changed our lives!!

(12 weeks 1 day) 12/30/11 was supposed to be a really exciting time for us. It was going to be Adam and Kennedy's first time seeing the babies. My mom came with too, to help with Kennedy. We went into my doctor's appt first. She informed us that there were two sacs so we did not need to worry about twin to twin transfusion (that meant no more googling about that for me). I was really worried about that, and it was the greatest thing to hear that our babies had there own sacs and would be just fine. The doctor told us she was not even going to try to pick up fetal heart tones cause she wanted one more ultrasound. She told us to go wait in the waiting room and the tech would come get us. I burst into the waiting room and could not wait to tell my mom that they had two sacs, they were going to be okay. We went into the ultrasound room, and saw our babies on the big screen. The only thing was is that it looked like to me that Baby B was not moving. I looked at Adam and said, well thats weird the last I saw them they were doing flips and circles, and going crazy. I am, however, not a doctor and who knows what I am seeing. It looked like Baby A was moving, not very much but a little. The tech was really quiet, and then grabbed the phone, and said I need a doctor in here immediately. I layed my head back and thought, something is wrong with Baby B, it should be moving. The doctor came in and the tech showed a flat line, not only on Baby B, but Baby A. Turns out Baby A was only moving because of where she was pushing on my stomach. The doctor told us that neither baby had a heartbeat, and that she would like to speak to us in her office, after the tech gets more pictures. My mom immediately grabbed Kennedy and walked out. I was a mess and Kennedy did not need to see that. Adam and I walked to the doctors office and sat there alone. I just kept sobbing, why??!! I saw them at 9 weeks and they were fine, no concerns. How did this happen? What did I do? I kept apologizing to Adam...I felt so guilty. How could I not know something was wrong with them? How could this be happening when I have no symptoms? No blood, No cramps, Nothing?? The doctor came in and explained this is, normal. Normal??? I saw heartbeats. She explained that we had to make some decisions today. We had a few choices, I could get a D&C, a procedure to remove the babies and all the other stuff. A D&C is where you get put under, they dialate  you a little, scrape your cervix, and you go home. It is an outpatient procedure. I could go home and let things happen naturally. I do not mean to offend anyone with what I thought that day, but I thought I cannot go home knowing my babies are dead inside me and wait. If you have chose that route, to each there own it just was not for me. I could take a pill and go home and miscarry at home with the help of the pill to induce labor. I chose the D&C. Once I chose the D&C I had to choose what we wanted done with the babies. I am not going to go into all the choices because I really don't want to offend anyone with what my thoughts were on some of my choices. We chose to have the babies frozen until October. The 2nd saturday in October St. A's has  burial. Our babies will be buried. Our babies will have 12/30/11 engraved twice on a head stone for them.  I then had to wait 4 hours to have my surgery because I ate breakfast that morning. I also had to walk back through the clinic to leave, and see all the smiling parents, all the people waiting to get into their appointments, all the people walking around with ultrasound pictures, and the worst thing was I had to tell Kennedy something. I got out of the clinic and into the parking lot and Kennedy said, "Mommy why are you crying why are you so sad." I told Kennedy that today the pictures showed that the babies were not okay and they are going to live with Jesus. She kept asking a lot of questions and I felt so awful but I just had to buckle her in my mom's car and walk away. We left the clinic and went to Brie's house (thank you Brie for everything). Once we got to Brie's I sent out a mass tex to everyone that I think I had told about the babies. One, I did not want to talk about it. Two, I did not want anyone I had told to run into me and ask me how things were going, not knowing that I had just miscarried. The dumbest thing ever about hospitals, is that I had to be on the maternity floor. I understand that this is easier on the hospital staff and the doctors, but emotionally it was not easy for me. While I am mourning the loss of my babies parents are gushing over there new ones. It was terrible. Before I went in I had the doctor check one more time for heartbeats. I copped out and chose no miscarriage at home, but then I started to feel like I was having an abortion. I wish my body would have started spotting or cramping so I would know, but it didnt. My doctor was wonderful she tried again, knowing there would be no heartbeats, but knowing it would ease my mind. I woke up from surgery and my babies were gone, in a matter of 15 minutes I was no longer pregnant.

Twins...what?!

(9 weeks 1 day)What I thought was the scariest thing in the world did not even compare to what was going to happen three weeks from now. While at my parents house, I went to the bathroom at was spotting a little bit. As soon as Adam came home, I told him he have to go the ER, told him what was going on, and off we went. At the ER they drew my blood and checked out some other things, and told me I was fine. The doctor told me that he could tell I was scared so he would schedule an ultrasound the next day. Good ol' Hazen no ultrasound tech was there after hours so he could not do it immediately. Since everything was fine the day before Adam went to class as scheduled, and my mom came with me to the ultrasound. The bleeding was long gone by then and I started to breathe easy. I knew once I saw the baby I would instantly be in love, and I was excited that my mom was with because she had never seen an ultrasound. When the ultrasound tech put the thing on my stomach I saw a very confused look on my mom's face, but didnt think much of it because she had never seen one before. About 30 seconds later the same but more extreme look came across my face. I will never forget that moment, I looked at the ultrasound tech and she looked at me, and I said "was that just two babies." In a panic she walked out of the room and said she had to get the doctor immediately. The next thing that came out of my mouth in front of my mom, that I apologized for later, is not appropriate to put on this blog :) I will just described it as great shock!!! Needless to say, the tech came back in and said, "yes you are having twins." There heartbeats were 171 and 174. She could not tell if they were identical or faternal, but there were two. I was so in shock when I left that I never asked for any pictures (something I will regret forever). I immediately called Adam and continued to call him until he thought that someone was really in trouble, stepped out of class and called me back. He was in complete shock when I told him. Once, I hit 10 weeks (the safe mark...NOT) we told a ton of people that we were having twins. We were not quite sure how we were going to do it, but we were. The idea of twins was scary at first (and still kind of is) but it was SO EXCITING!!! We celebrated Christmas with both families and our conversations already revolved around them and how we were going to make it work. I told everyone I would call them after my 12 week ultrasound and give lots of updates!!

Pregnant....YAY!!

This post may have to much information for some of you but without all the details given, I would be leaving it to you to fill in the blanks, and I don't want that. After we got married the plan of expanding our family was the first thing on my mind, Adam on the other hand wanted to as well, but was not sure if he wanted it immediately. We began talking a lot about it after the wedding, and decided why not try. The birth control went out the window the end of September and the beginning of November I called Adam at work and said, "are you ready to be a daddy again." With all my friends getting pregnant Adam was not sure if the picture of the positive test was true or not, so when he got home from work, I took another one and showed him. I was so excited, when I took the first test, I was jumping up and down, and then I figured I better not do that anymore I have a baby in there that is now jumping with me. We told a few close friend right away. When deer season came around, I was not feeling too hot. We told Adam's parents, and Tim if you are reading this thank you for putting up with my pregnant self in the truck for all those hours looking for the dumb deer. We told my parents shortly after that. We put a shirt on Kennedy that said on the front "Guess Hooo has a secret," with an owl on it. On the back it said "Kennedy, I am going to be a big sister." My mom was the first to see it, she grabbed Kennedy, and said "get back here let me read that." My parents were so excited. We told them that this complicated the move a little more, I felt bad living with them while I was pregnant because not only did Adam have to deal with my pregnant self but so did my parents.

Where do we live??? Hope this answers your question :)

Adam and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and almost married 6 months. We have had our struggles and right now, we are working on purchasing some land, digging a basement, and putting a modular on the basement. Not sure if all of you know this but housing is outrageous in Minot and we love Minot, just hate throwing so much money into the wind to live there. We joke right now that we are "gypsies." Our stuff is currently in storage at my Grandpa and Grandma Millers. We stay at my parents, Adam's parents, Ali and Jared, or Nick and Stacey's. It is getting old living out of a suitcase but once we have our finished product, I will be so happy that we did it.

The beginning of the blogging

Where to start?? First off, this will be a very informal place to keep everyone up to date with what is going on in our lives. I got the idea of blogging from a girl I know from Hazen. Her and I were never close but we knew who each other was. Her and I did not have the same friends, but now we are going through similar situations and we are talking. Natasha Hoff, if you are reading this I cannot thank you enough for your support through our tragedy while at the same time you are going through one too. I will bring everyone up to speed with the bad stuff after I go over the good stuff.